I have the distinct privilege of taking the dog out every morning.
When we lived in the city, I used to hate it; leash, plastic bag, slippers, not knowing what the temperature was outside. You’ve never really experienced the full spectrum of human existence until you’re obligated by law to pick up something else’s poop.
It really stabilizes the ego.
Anyway, the big move came with a back yard so my mornings got a lot easier. It’s actually been a little bit of a bonding experience between Zig and I. We run around, take in all the fresh air, chase squires, dig holes and at the appropriate time, drop trou, stare each other down and the loser finished first.
Bonds are bonds, what can I tell you?
What I noticed about this morning verses the others was the air. The crispness that hits your cheeks… that clarity that runs through your nose… that burning leaf scent…I smell me some fall and I likes it.
While I understand the excitement of the changing seasons in the blog world and the onslaught of articles on Fall Fashion and Fall Desserts and Fall Games and so on please understand that none of your husband’s care. It’s not that they don’t care that you care, it’s just that our heads don’t work that way.
Fall Fashion? Dress warmer (See the Good Mama’s post on Fall Fashion Trends Moms Will Appreciate).
Fall Dessert? Darker beer (See the Good Mama’s post on Pumpkin Butter).
Fall Games? Try not to jump into the leaf pile that Zig peed on the previous morning (See the Good Mama’s post on our Free Activities to Do With Your Baby This Fall).
I don’t mean to sound rude about any of this. There’s just a greater good going on and if ever there was a time to show your husbandly support, tis the season. Football is upon us and its mighty will is all-consuming.
My wife and I like to play a little game on Sunday. It’s the same game year in and year out, and yet it never gets old. It’s the game where she eyeballs the hell out of me, acts like nothing is wrong but deep down in dark places wants to slam me in the back of the head with the toaster for being a completely useless human being for 12 hours.
She thinks I don’t know this game, but that’s part of my game. I know this game and I’ve mastered it. As long as I don’t look directly at her it’s impossible for her to win because she knows she’ll never be able to say anything. It’s not only rude but completely un-American to expect your husband to be able to focus on anything during Sunday Football.
For over 84 years women have been dealing with this truth. I didn’t make the rules, I just follow them. With these truths as your norms I offer the following advice to your questions on how to improve your Sunday.
“Good Papa, my husband’s in this thing called Fantasy Football. It’s takes up all his time and he won’t even explain it to me. What should I do?” -Shelia (Albuquerque, NM
Great question, Shelia. What you should do is be thanking your lucky stars that he has decided to fantasize about owning his own football team for the next 5 months instead of whatever twisted nonsense he typically fantasizes about. The box is closed. Do you really want to go there? If you have specific questions about how Fantasy Football works I am happy to answer any questions.
“My husband just eats and drinks all day long. He leaves the kitchen a mess and climbs into bed drunk when it’s all over. Is there any solution to this?” -Whitney (Marietta, GA)
A drunk man full from consuming food all day during football season should be treated with the same caution as if a wild moose is in your living room. Just understand that he could knock anything over at any time and try to use leverage as much as possible when he falls. Ignore the gaseous noises coming from his body. He knows not what he does, and make sure to keep a pillow and blanket by the couch. It’s best for everyone if he passes out while watching the final game.
“Hey Good Papa. Long time reader, first time commenter. I’m really concerned that my husband has a gambling properly. He bets a few of the games and never shares how much money is involved. Should I be concerned?” -Tina (Danbury, CT)
I appreciate the loyalty as always, thank you Tina. I’ve noticed that you usually can tell how much money someone is gambling by their reactions after a loss. Passing out, projectile vomiting, crying in the bathroom, etc… all signs that you should probably start looking for another husband. Gambling is a serious issue for families whose husbands are bad at it. If this behavior becomes a pattern you’d better get the extended family involved ASAP.
To combat how frustrating all of us men can be on Football Sunday’s I may suggest that you ladies embrace making your own schedules.
Good Mama and I have refocused our day based on years of me testing her tolerance levels.
- 12 hours of Football is okay, but breaks are needed even if for only a short period of time.
- We watch our Philadelphia Eagles as a family understanding the fact that I no longer can curse at the TV.
- Beers can fluctuate from 2 to 27 depending on alcohol content and outcome of the game.
- Food choices need to factor in vegetables.
- And, of course, no matter what the score or who’s playing, we’re both putting W to bed.
If you’d rather not spend the day at home during the best day of the week, you’re loss, but as long as that doesn’t involve your husband going with you, feel free to do whatever you want.
Maybe you’re thinking about all the things you wanted to accomplish during the week but can’t because you had to work or watch the kid(s).
Guess what? Despite what you may have read, your husband has the ability to watch the kid(s) while he’s watching football. If he says he can’t focus he’s probably a New York Giants fan and you should just smother him with a pillow while he sleeps anyway.
Not only can we watch the kids, but most of us would probably love it. I get about 8 hours of W’s attention during the work week.
Bonding with my son while football is on TV in the background is as close to heaven as my mind can comprehend.
What do you think of Good Papa’s post? Do you love football? How do you spend your Fall Sundays? Leave a comment below.
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